


i've got a voice inside my head and a feeling in my gut

by sidereumluscus



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec's POV, First Kiss, How Do I Tag, Kinda, Light Angst, M/M, clizzy - if you squint, i know alec and this scene quite well so i thought why not, i wanted to do something easy for my first fic lmao, this is my first fanfic please be kind
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2017-08-11
Packaged: 2018-12-14 01:09:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11772321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sidereumluscus/pseuds/sidereumluscus
Summary: basically just alec's pov of the wedding scene."He knew what he had to do. It was his duty. He had to do this to save his family.But is it what he truly wanted? That sentence kept repeating over and over in his head. It wasn’t his own voice saying it but he knew exactly whose it was. "





	i've got a voice inside my head and a feeling in my gut

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first time writing a fanfiction and i thought this scene would be the easiest one to start off with. some minor details are different but for the most part it's the same. enjoy!
> 
> title from maybe we're meant to be alone by bad suns

Alec was at war with himself.

His head and heart were battling and he couldn’t stop it.

He knew what he had to do. It was his duty. He had to do this to save his family.

But is it what he truly wanted? That sentence kept repeating over and over in his head. It wasn’t his own voice saying it but he knew exactly whose it was.

He took a deep breath and looked around the room. The columns of chairs were separated by an aisle down the middle. There were lots of people milling around, Alec guessed he knew about half of them? Surely on a day like today Alec should at least recognise most of the people that were there.

He saw his parents talking to a man and a woman he hadn’t seen before. He only had to glance at how his mother was standing, back rigid and hands clasped tightly behind her back, to understand that whoever they were talking to was important.

 

He tensed as a hand touched his shoulder, but immediately relaxed once he saw who it belonged to: Jace. His best friend, his brother, someone he couldn’t live without. “Woah, you alright there buddy?” Jace chuckled. His hand squeezed Alec’s arm, a silent reassurance, you’ll be fine.

“I’m glad you’re here with me.” Alec let out a breath, attempting a small smile to let Jace know he was okay. Alec knew Jace saw right through his façade but he didn’t push the subject.

“There’s nowhere I’d rather be.” Jace smoothed down the lapels on Alec’s white suit jacket. Alec felt his heart rate begin to slow down to a normal rhythm.

His attention was diverted when he noticed his parents were walking up to them. His father smiled at him before his mother spoke. “When you first proposed to Lydia, I’ll admit, I was weary. But seeing you now,” She paused, taking a shaky breath. “I’m so proud.” Alec was shocked to see his mother so emotional; after years of being told that emotions were nothing but a distraction, he had assumed his mother didn’t have feelings other than irritation and disappointment. She wiped underneath her eyes then stepped back. His father took her hand and led her to their seats in the front row.

Alec’s heart began to pound again. Is this what he really wanted? No.

Is this what he had to do? Yes.

Alec knew he didn’t have much of a choice anymore. He had already made his decision and he wasn’t going to go back on his promise to Lydia.

“It’s okay to be nervous.” Alec was brought out of his thoughts when Jace spoke. He was sure he wasn’t supposed to be this nervous.

 

The Silent Brother hit the floor twice with his staff and the room fell silent. The remaining people standing up quickly found their seats. Jace stepped behind him. Everyone’s attention turned to the doors at the back of the room as Isabelle walked in. He heard a small gasp coming from the left front row, where Clary was sitting. He smirked.

She smiled at him as she reached the steps at the front, keeping eye contact until she stood opposite him. He took a deep breath. He could do this.

Lydia walked through the doors. Alec knew she was beautiful but he also knew that she didn’t make his heart pound in the same way that Magnus did. He held out his hand as she reached the steps, when she took it he was glad to realise that he wasn’t the only one with sweaty palms.

They exchanged the wedding jewellery, a golden bracelet for Alec and a necklace with a sparkling pendant for Lydia.

The Silent Brother’s voice echoed through his head. _It is time for Alec Lightwood and Lydia Branwell to mark each other with the wedded union; a rune on the hand, a rune on the heart. A union is born._

Lydia prepared to mark Alec’s palm. They looked at each other and Alec forced a smile. Lydia took a deep breath and moved to draw the rune when a door slamming turned everyone’s attention to the open double doors.

That’s when Magnus walked in.

He didn’t realise straight away that he had the attention of everyone in the room, fiddling with the cuff of his blazer. Once he looked up he froze. Alec found his eyes and held his gaze. He heard his mother mutter something to his father but he wasn’t able to hear. Jace asked Izzy something but Alec couldn’t bring himself to care. He was here. Magnus was actually here. Why?

He realised he couldn’t breathe.

_You lose your breath every time they enter a room._

Magnus’ words started swimming around his head. Repeating over and over.

His mother stood up and walked to Magnus. “Leave this wedding now.” She sounded furious, like she had just committed a crime against her family. He probably had, in her eyes.

“Maryse this is between me and your son.” Magnus held up a hand to her face, completely disregarding her. “I’ll leave if he asks me to.”

Should he ask him to? Yes, he should. But he won’t though. He doesn’t want to.

Magnus walked forward a few steps, keeping eye contact with Alec the whole time.

_Your heart beats faster when they walk by._

He didn’t want to stop looking at him, he couldn’t break eye contact. He had to.

“Are you gonna be okay, buddy?” Jace asked from behind him. He didn’t reply.

“Alec,” Lydia looked at him, trying to get his attention. He tore his eyes away from Magnus’.

“Hey,” She released a breathy laugh, Alec knew she felt awkward. He tried to say something but he couldn’t find his voice.

“I can’t breathe.” He rolled his shoulders and took deep breaths, trying to get oxygen back into his lungs.

“It’s okay,” Lydia smiled at him, trying to calm him down.

“I can’t do this.” Her smile faltered. Guilt flowed through him. What was he doing? He proposed to Lydia to restore his family’s reputation, leaving her at the altar would only damage it more.

“I thought were doing the right thing, but this isn’t it.” What was he saying? The filter between his mind and mouth clearly wasn’t working.

“You don’t have to explain.”

“Lydia, I’m sorry.” She reached up to cup his cheek.

“Hey. You deserve to be happy. I’ll be fine.” Her thumb stroked his cheek before she let her hand fall to her side.

Alec turned around to face everybody, to face him.

He locked eyes with Magnus, a shiver crawled up his spine. He was really going to do this.

He stepped down from the altar, not breaking eye contact with Magnus. Magnus seemed to understand what was happening as he raised his eyebrow very slightly, unless you were looking at him like Alec was you wouldn’t have seen it. He started walking towards Magnus and his mother suddenly seemed to realise what was happening as she started towards him.

“Alec, what are you doing-“

“Enough.” His voice that came out didn’t seem like his own; like it was someone else speaking, someone else who was walking towards Magnus and putting his family’s reputation even further on the line.

He wasn’t thinking clearly, there were too many thoughts running around his mind until there was only one. He took Magnus by the lapels and kissed him. And kissed him. And kissed him. His mind started running again. _What are you doing? You are dragging the Lightwood name through the mud!_ This voice sounded very much like his mother’s. He told it to shut up.

He broke apart from Magnus and Magnus chased after him. Something stirred in his stomach. Alec’s lips found Magnus’ again and he decided that whatever happened after now was definitely worth it.


End file.
